"Do you believe in fate?" L*** asked.
Fate hit me pretty hard, bae. That's it.
I'd wanted to tell her how and why This Person is probably not The Right Person for her, from a therapeutic point of view, in my calm and firm voice in brightly lit meeting room - a professional setting. He is "combative", "eloquent", yes, I'd give him that - "true to his words", perhaps. But he is way too cynical to match her unearthly worldview in our post-capitalistic commercial world, especially his part of the world, I'd commented. Given the latest update, I'm not entirely certain I'd actually be "received" if I'd show up at the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport first thing tomorrow morning.
We were both "in too deep". Me, I'd gladly accepted to play Someone's "Game of Death" - one that I'd taken as a Challenge and one that I knew I'd lose, one way or another. Fact is I'm wounded. Traumatized? More so than ever. Not Dead Yet, even though I'm a bit lost as in, for what do I live (or, whom) - at this point in time. Someone always seems to have the upper hand, except of course when I had L*** close to me. Her, she was so devoted to her Whatever she put herself through pointless danger - and then she went MIA on me, status unknown, presumably dead.
I don't want to accept any of that happened - I don't want to wake up and deal with that fact that she's gone.
Yet we must soldier on - for a thing that was too good to be true.
December 2019. Lausanne, Switzerland.
