Her [2]
Her first phone was "hacked", so to speak - the one with Mr ?????'s selfie in it. So what, so I cracked her second phone and looked at the other photos and notes she'd made on this particular Mr ????? - the one that probably assumed she was just another prostitute, how typical - I'd say.
I lost track of how many times she tried to kill herself over Mr ?????, honestly? I thought I'd stopped caring after 14 July this year. "I'll bring her back as many times as she tries," says Someone, so what, we'd just let her try...? And try, she did.
I've said this many times, in the instance of "getting 'hacked' electronically", there are only two likely outcomes - 1) Paranoia grows and one dives deeper into cryptography as a defense; 2) One develops distrust in electronic systems, then rejects certain technology as flawed, with "backdoors", "blackbox", and "vulnerability" available for systematic internal/external manipulation and exploitation. Point 1) & 2) NOT mutually exclusive.
Personally? I couldn't get over the fact that her credit card was used to make two separate purchases in Luxembourg, of all places, while she was physically detained in a London facility. Coincidences - yeah... sure? Am I allowed to believe they were plain coincidences after acquiring her "Big Red Book", one that she had preciously referred to as being a "Wedding Planner", supposedly about some wedding to be held in... Luxembourg? I had to ask myself - what kind of game was she playing?
The more I go over her little photo collection, the more I'm left with a feeling of complete and utter defeat - Are they supposed to be pictures of one single entity? She couldn't tell, AT ALL. Me? The answer has been Uncertain... Do I have to repeat, again and again, the fact that facial recognition performance in human beings is highly unreliable, especially in high stress situations? And then what, that makes us weak? Simply because she failed to offer 100% certainty and me, I needed to be prudent about the absolute certainty in anything at all?
I don't know Mr ????? and I want to firmly believe that myself and Mr ????? have never ever crossed paths - but I can't be too sure as of now. Like a word written on a piece of paper, the more I stare, the more I seem to believe something isn't quite right.
I thought at some point she would have come to me and say something along the lines of "hmmm, do you know who hacked my laptop?" but to get an honest answer out of me? First ask yourself how many enemies you have made in the past and recently; second, good luck with getting to the perpetrator - end of commentary. Who fed her the story of "Assange hacking into his crush's computer to mess with her"? What - might have been me, in fact... Talk about unethical hacks and strange things people do in the heat of the moment - except, I'm not amused, not anymore.
At which point do I claim involvement in this affair? When I doled out shitty relationship advice to her - after all, I thought, why would anyone take relationship advice from... me? For real? Listen carefully, I'd say - in my serious, hypnotizing voice, you want this guy's attention? Fight him. What? I'm quite sure I've said that, among many other things said between us, in private, concerning Mr ?????.
Madness, obsession, delusion - spiralling deeper and deeper and sending me to the other end of the world, closer and closer to my demise. All grim prospects aside, it is her wish to send Mr ????? his birthday wine in January - only because we'd chosen it together many months in advance. And now I'm tasked to handle this - on what ground? Don't ask me. L'amour et la révolution, said she. Well, I hope Mr ????? speaks French - considering most, if not all, of her real intentions seemingly lost in translation. This is how much she cared for someone she had never met in person, someone she so firmly believed was The Next Big Thing - on that I neither disagreed nor agreed. I was neutral about this person and his politics, but thought he was physically attractive enough for... whatever. There is no valid reason for me to seek out Mr ????? in person, as his notoriety precedes him, yet promises are promises. Still, I have second thoughts about keeping certain promises on an hourly basis.
I'd never said to her, well, don't you think you've pushed this too far? I did not. I stood by and said, go get him - it's him, while I looked elsewhere for distraction and lost myself in Aramax and his sick games. One day, maybe one day, I will write about him, if I could create this space where the non-disclosure agreement has no applicable jurisdiction, if I could fall asleep knowing, with 100% certainty, that I'm in safety - until then? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine - don't ask me what's wrong. I will tell you all things nice about this person with a smile, and you will have to believe me.
